Onasteek Updates

It's been almost exactly one year since I moved to Montana to begin my career as a journalist.

In one year, I adopted a newborn kitten.

In one year, my best friend got married.

In one year, I lost my grandmother.

Meanwhile, I find myself sitting here, cat in lap, wondering about life and life after life. It's way past midnight, the time I usually begin thinking about the future. I know if I were in any other career, I'd still be questioning the paths I've chosen to follow.

I'm almost 25. Optimistically, my life is 1/4 over. With the way I drive and my inherent absent-mindedness... that fraction's probably a bit higher.

One thing always impressed me about An-ma (her funeral's this Saturday). She truly loved others. She was selfless to the end. I remember, even after she forgot how to speak, she would still be trying to ask me if I had eaten yet. I doubt she even knew who I was at that point.

But would she cry. She was always so sad these past few years, I can only guess because she had so much to say and no way to express it.

My thoughts keep winding back to my grandfather. At first, Dad told me An-gong took it well. When she died, he merely wanted to know she didn't suffer. And he didn't even feel the need to be with her body. Supposedly, he said, she's no longer there, why do I need to be there?

But his tears came too. Dad says later that night, An-gong was crying uncontrollably. That's when her death truly hit me as well. My God. He was married to her for almost 70 years. He knew her even longer. How can you not cry? Your companion, your love, your confidante, your friend, your joy, the mother of your children, your strong right hand.... gone, in an instant.

Although, we lost An-ma almost 10 years ago. That's when the Alzheimer's took over. We first noticed when she forgot my aunt, her own daughter. Some relative told me I was the last grandchild she remembered. Of course, I did live with her for 5 years. She made wonderful soup.

But for the dot to be put on the sentence... this past week has been tough. I keep trying to be happy, while trying to mourn, while trying to live a normal life. But my mind's everywhere. What's my next career move? Who might I say goodbye to next? Why am I not spending more time in prayer? Do I really want to go overseas for a year? And now, it all goes back to her.

A bit of my grandmother lives on in every one of her grandchildren. One might have her eyes, another her nose, yet another her singing voice. She was extremely artistic. I like to think we both loved the piano equally.

To be honest, I don't really want to say goodbye. To acknowledge her death is to send her off. And to acknowledge her death is to realize that my parents may soon pass away as well.

And that, more than anything, drives me to tears.